Love Advice from an Expert* 4/1/07

Only three more days until we go on our 10 year anniversary trip and I am SO excited!! My mom will be taking care of the kids here and so far I’ve cleaned our house, grocery shopped, worked on all the laundry and even typed up a Grandma Edition of our Childcare Handbook that we have for our sitter.

All I have left is to finish laundry, go buy a few things to wear on the trip and go back over all the cleaning again to freshen up the house. Then it will be time to PACK!!

SO, in celebration of 10 years of making it work, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to share:

When you’re married and you want to stay that way:

1. Always fight fair.
a. Never use the words “you always” or “you never”. Its rarely accurate that someone always or never does something. They can always think of an exception and you won’t win an arguement this way.
b. Don’t talk about eachothers mom/dad/sister/brother etc. ’s flaws when your having a disagreement. Not only will you say something you regret, it doesn’t help your arguement progress to a resolution. 2. Don’t tell your mom/dad/sister/brother/etc. about your disagreements. They are not unbiased. They will take your side, even when you’re wrong. You and your spouse may quickly get over your arguement, but your family doesn’t forget as easily. 3. Communicate your needs to your spouse. Tell him/her how you feel about something and when you need something. He/she can’t read your mind. 4. When your spouse asks you to do something, or points out that they would like you change something, consider it and then give it a try. If it bothered them enough to bring it up, it’s important to them.

5. Read about “Love Languages“. Gary Chapman has written that there are five basic ways people recieve love. You need to know what your spouses love language is in order for them to feel love. For example, my love language is touch and Travis’s is acts of service. So before we discovered this, he was always doing dishes, laundry, or whatever to make me feel loved, but I wasn’t feeling loved cause I just wanted to be hugged and cuddled and kissed. I always tried to express love to him with touches and he wasn’t feeling loved because I rarely did anything for him. Once we got our love languages figured out, he started being more affectionate and I found things to do for him. The emotional aspect of our marriage improved greatly.

5. Last but not least, lower your expectations. As crazy as it sounds, when your expectations are low, you’re rarely disappointed. Now, I have the best husband in the world, but sometimes, I start demanding perfection from him and it is at those times I’m miserable. I have to remember that he’s human. He can only do so much. Nobody’s perfect and there are things that I can just let go.

When you’re not married and you want to get that way: 

1. Make a list. List everything you want in a mate. This list will clear things up for you in a hurry. Be willing to do two things: Live up to the list yourself (you can’t have “super sexy bod” on the list if you look like Jared’s “before” photos) Only date people who fit your criteria. That will save you time and heartache.

2. Take the emotion out of it. As unromantic as it may sound, its a good idea to evaluate a person before you become to emotionally attached. (this is the purpose of the list!!)

3. Choose carefully. If you really want a marriage to work, you have to ask yourself if this person is someone you can be with for the rest of you life. Ask yourself if this person will be a good parent to your children. Remember their history will probably repeat itself. If a person is not good to you before you marry them, they won’t magically get better after taking wedding vows.

4. Put your heart into it. Once you’ve evaluated and found someone, give it all you got. Stay faithful, talk about the future, be excited, and most of all, fall in love.

Tags: advice, love, marriage, relationships