My Guilty Pleasure

Reality TV is nothing new. Personally, as a teenager, I was an avid fan and viewer of MTV’s original reality show and mother of them all, The Real World. This concept has been around for years. But what always amazes me, are the twists on the concept. First, it was Survivor – strangers on an island, who can last the longest? Then, there were the competitive dating shows (that just keep getting weirder), competitive performances, then self improvement shows – makeovers, parenting, rehab, and then the “swap” shows – houses, spouses, whatever. And now, lifestyle shows.

 

Lifestyle shows aren’t exactly a new concept either. Anyone remember Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous complete with posh narrator Robin Leach? Lifestyle shows are currently the core of prime-time on E! Television. Whether you prefer watching Snoop Dog interact with his family, or Kimora purchase her next home, or stylist Kim Kardashian conflict with her sisters, there certainly seems to be something for everyone. The hottest lifestyle show for E! is the one that showcases the goings on surrounding the legendary Hugh Hefner and his three, yes three, girlfriends, The Girls Next Door.

When I first saw the show, I was intrigued and curious, as well as a bit nervous. I certainly didn’t want to have my eyes violated, but at the same time, everything was the most glorious shade of pink and the ladies, they were gorgeous and funny and well, by this time, I was hooked. The show is actually far less about the production of soft core porn and more about the decadent living one can experience from peddling said porn.

 

At first, I watched to be envious. To see the big house, the cars, the trips, to see what it would really be like when money was no object. The best part was that it wasn’t just big and flashy, it was girly, feminine, glamourous and the epitamy of fabulous. As I continued to watch, I started to feel connected to the girls. The whole show is really from the perspective of the three 20-somethings that reside in the mansion with Hef. They tell their story how they see things.

There is the definitive dichotomy to the show, as there usually is with reality shows, that is, there are the obvious things that are being stated, and the subtle things that you have to put together yourself. For example, all the girls have jobs and opportunities, and it would be easy to say that they’ve got some advantage and have been given things because they are sleeping with the 80 year old founder of Playboy, but when you watch the show and understand the interactions, you can see that’s not the whole story. These woman have had to prove themselves to get the jobs they have. Holly is the west coast photo editor for the magazine and worked her way up into that position. She would have never gotten the job had she not worked hard and been an effective contributor during photo shoots. Hef is a better business man than to let her have control if she wasn’t talented. Bridget has her own radio program, with which to use her Master’s Degree in Communications and Kendra, well, Kendra’s very young and she’s hot, and she loves to shake what she’s got, so she has plenty of modeling jobs and the like. Yes, these ladies got a foot in the door because of being a Girlfriend, but they’ve had to prove themselves to keep and advance in those jobs. These ladies aren’t dumb, in fact, if you’re looking for it, you can see that they are, in fact, very savvy.

Hugh Hefner himself never actually sits down in front of the camera to explain things like the ladies do, but it’s quite clear from his interactions with the ladies, that he is a man in charge, not surprising for the original playboy and multimillionaire. He’s got a brilliant mind for business and a gentlemanly demeanor. He’s charismatic, charming, young at heart, and rich to boot. It’s easy to see why women fawn over him.

While Hef is a man in charge, he’s not a controlling or demeaning person. He uses a gentle but firm voice when giving instructions or requests. The immediate, exacting reactions of the staff are what reflect Hef’s power and monetary influence. This isn’t a job you’d want to mess up. Even with the ladies, Hef is in charge, but he’s not a tyrant by any means. He encourages and ensures that the ladies are in touch with their parents frequently and has their family as guests at the mansion on a seemingly regular basis. These women aren’t secluded or controlled, they are, however, influenced and clearly expected to uphold certain standards of behavior. Hef himself has stated that there is a routine in their daily lives (let’s not forget the show is only about six to ten days out of every six months or so) and the women know what to expect. I’d venture to say that they also know what’s expected.

Another thing that’s simultaneously subtle and obvious about the lifestyle these four are leading is that they are in a polygamous relationship. Subtle, because there is no on camera sex or sexual elements of the relationships, but obvious because it is a modern day harem. Hef has his girls and manages to make sure they are well kept. There’s nothing the girls could possibly want in the world. You also notice that the girls don’t ask for much. It would be easy to assume they are gold digging bimbos, but watching the ladies interact with Hef, they treat him with respect, admiration and seemingly genuine affection. They are grateful for what has been provided for them and continue to remain humble and gracious instead of whiney and demanding. The fact that they share the man of the house, while the crux of the show, is hardly ever mentioned and easy to forget.

The other thing that is easy to forget is that this is Playboy. This is the age-old patriarch of shiny paged porn and soft focus blondes frolicking in exotic settings. It’s the standard, the benchmark, the starting point for the industry. It’s easy to forget because you are seeing women, not as objects, but as people. The ladies are telling. They are personable. They are God-made human beings with hearts and minds and *gulp* souls. It was a surprise to the producers and subjects of the show to learn that their audience is largely female, but I’m not a bit surprised. Guys don’t want to relate to their porn, that’s the point of having porn. It doesn’t talk or have feelings, it’s a guy’s fantasy, which doesn’t include having to listen to a lady’s point of view. If a guy wanted to get involved, he’d get a real girlfriend, not glossy pictures of one. And my suspicion is that if the purchasers of porn had to see the humanity of all the girls they looked at, the industry would fold pretty quickly.

While this show has single handedly resurrected the Playboy brand, it’s also changed the brand to be not only the images men want to oogle, but also the image young women want to emulate, lending itself naturally to produce clothing lines, fragrances and cosmetics as well as jewelry and accessories. No doubt we’ll be seeing more Bunnies as this show gains popularity.

Nobody’s Perfect, Indeed

My daughter is a nine year old. And being a nine year old, she does the things most nine year olds do. We’ve protected her without coddling her. We’ve been able to talk about what’s acceptable and what’s right without violating her innocence and supporting her when she has to make her own decisions. But then again, she’s only 9, so those decisions aren’t monumental by any stretch of the imagination. 

One of the decisions she’s made and we’ve supported is her taste in music. Now, to be fair, we heavily influenced her preferences from a very early age. Instead of stars that twinkle, cows who poll-vault celestial bodies and boys who run through town in their nightshirts, she listened to what we listened to. Phish was probably the band heard most in our home. While their lyrics in songs like “Contact” (the tires are the things on the car that make contact with the road) and “Opossum” (the road is your end, and your end is the road) are as equally silly as nursery rhymes, the musical complexity of these jams rival the classical musicians that were being marketed to children at the time. She was exposed to good music.

So here we are nine years later and her playlists include Johnny Cash, that one radio edit from Rage Against the Machine, Waterdeep, The News Boys, and of course, what every nine year old girl has in their CD player, Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus.

She snuck that last one in there all on her own. It was her choosing. We had all been sitting around one Saturday while her aunt and uncle were here for a visit and she asked “Mom, can I watch Hannah Montana?”

and being that I hadn’t seen it and hadn’t been too impressed with Disney Channel so far, I said “No.”

and her aunt spoke up, “Why not? I love that show!”

So we did the responsible thing and sat down together and all watched as a family. And we’ve seen every episode ever since. It’s a cute show, it’s punchy and funny and very far from “cutting edge”. It’s entertaining and the kids on the show deliver their lines with fantastic comical precision.

The songs and music performed by Hanna Montana (Miley Cyrus) is your typical pop music with inspirational lyrics. Songs about making mistakes and getting up to do better. Songs about not getting down on yourself too much, but trying again. Songs about being a pop star on the outside and being “just one of the girls” on the inside. Nothing controversial, nothing objectionable.

As we continued to watch the show and listen to the music along came tidbits, interviews and backstage tours featuring Miley Cyrus and her family, mostly her famous post-mullet father, Billy Ray Cyrus. They seemed above average. Her parents were still married, had other seemingly well adjusted kids and they all got along great.

Miley managed to stay out of tabloids for the most part, and her interviews were playful and funny and very, very innocent.

There were occasions, during this past year, that the idea would creep in. You know, Brittany Spears had a squeaky clean reputation once. She was a teen pop star. Everyone thought her dad was fantastic too. But I would suppress those ideas because you know, you can’t judge one teen pop princess by the actions of another. Can you? Besides, we’d cross that bridge when we got there. She’s only 15, what could possibly go wrong?

What could possibly wrong? Vanity Fair. That’s what could possibly go wrong.

Thank goodness for all those songs she sings about not being perfect and everybody making mistakes, otherwise, I wouldn’t know what to tell my nine year old.

My husband wonders why I think the subject will come up. I’m betting it will. I’m disappointed to say the least and now Miley is going on the record saying she’s “embarrassed” and the photographer, in her defense, quotes Miley as saying “”It wasn’t in a skanky way … And you can’t say no to Annie. She’s so cute. She gets this puppy dog look and you’re like, ‘O.K.’” (The fact that the photographer is quoting Miley as saying this makes me think she should be hiding her methods of manipulation, not flaunting them).

If you look at the candid shots, you can see what the atmosphere was like and how Miley saw it at the time. There doesn’t seem to be anything remarkable or controversial about this shot:

A lot of people are making a big stink out of all of this and quite frankly I think they don’t remember being 15. If Vanity Fair published the things I did publicly at 15, you’d all be too embarrassed to admit you know me. I think most of us could say that. But there is one BIG difference. I knew what I was doing was wrong. Mostly I knew it because I knew my parents would FLIP out if they found out. And at this photo shoot, her parents, or at least dear ol’ dad, was present. Which makes me wonder how he feels today. Was he as naive as she was? Something tells me he shouldn’t have been. I think the firestorm is going to rain heavier on his head and that of the photographer than on Miley’s and that’s as it should be.

Sprawl-mart – 10/5/06

When we moved to our fantastic city of 90,000 people two years ago, I noticed something wonderful. The Wal-mart was your basic clothes, CDs, cleaning supplies, toys and toiletries type of Wal-mart. No groceries, no miles and miles of walking, no 50 check out lanes.

I thought that said something about our fair city. I thought it meant that this university town was conscientious enough to reject the world domination that company seeks. As a matter of fact, I later learned the city was in litigation with Wal-mart over the issues of its impending expansion. But to no avail, the corporate giant is crushing. They suck the life out of small businesses and use their insurmountable wealth to legally defend their right to do so.

While this case was being sorted out and then put on hold, it became a hot topic in the community. So, I did what every responsible well meaning American should do, evaluated my experiences and compiled some research.

I grew up shopping at Wal-mart. No one ever talked about the origins of the products, the low wages the employees were receiving or the insufficient heath care. As a matter of fact, my husband worked for Wal-mart in the auto department for a while. It was during his training that we got an indication that something was amiss.

It started when he was required to watch anti-union videos in his training and to pledge that he would not belong to, start or ask others to start a worker’s union. Things seem even more strange when he was introduced to the Wal-mart “cheer”. It eerily resembled spiritual gathers we’d been to. Where else do you stand with others and sing about how great something is?

Later, when I was a loan processor at a bank in Iowa the rumors (later confirmed when they submitted the necessary paperwork) were that Wal-mart was starting it’s own bank. That’s when I began accusing them of desiring world domination. First it was groceries, then gas, next is banks. Those three things cover just about every consumable product that is not delivered directly to your home, but on that note, they also have Wal-mart internet access and they’ve partnered with Netflix. Will Wal-mart utilities be next?

If you’ve still not grasped the unprecedented magnitude of the Wal-mart corporation, how about this: 5 of the top 10 richest people in the United States are Wal-mart benefactors. Read that again. Over half of the top 10 have income coming from the same source. Not only that, but Wal-mart corporation ranks 18th in charitable giving in this country. If there is enough income to produce half of the top 10 richest people then why do they rank 18th on the list of charitable giving?

That’s not the only unbelievable statistic.

“If Wal-Mart were an individual economy, it would rank as China’s eighth-biggest trading partner, ahead of Russia, Australia and Canada,” Xu said.

Wal-mart is hoarding billions from desperate people locked into poorer standards of living. They are missing an opportunity and doing it to the tune of billions of dollars in their pocket. Since Wal-mart HAS this kind of buying power, shouldn’t they take the lead in raising wages?

If you’re interested in more information, the movie High Cost of Low Price is very compelling in it’s arguments against Wal-mart.  The web site, www.walmartwatch.com is adequate.  

Some people like to point out that we live in a free enterprise system and this corporation is just the natural product of our economic system. Others agree with me and feel as though they have no choice or can do nothing about it. Let me state that we can use our free enterprise system against Wal-mart. Your dollar is your vote. Shopping locally is the smartest and easiest way to combat this corporate giant. Supporting your local business is not as costly as the large discount retailers would have you believe. Honestly, would you rather give your money to your neighbor, or to half of the top 10 richest people in the country?

In Response 10/30/06

This blog is inspired, in part by the discussion on this blog, particularly the following comments:

“I’ve actually never been there, because I *don’t* get it. Is Christian coffee different than, say Muslim coffee? Must I be a Christian to enter? If I’m not a Christian, would I want to enter? I’m not much of a hanger-outer in coffee shops, so I probably won’t ever go anyway. Well, I might check out the art gallery, I didn’t know that was there. I just always wondered about the place. I don’t think “Christian coffee shop” as I have heard it termed is very self explanatory…. I guess that’s why I don’t get it. Maybe I’ll check it out sometime.”

And my favorite….

“I think that Christian coffee comes with a double shot of guilt, and a good frothy head of self-righteousness if you ask for it right…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One thing that really bugs me is the response I get from Christians when they notice I don’t wear Christian clothing, or display Christian art in my home, or listen to only Christian music or vote for only Christian candidates, or listen to Christian radio or have a goofy Christian bumper sticker on my car.

I mean, really what is Christian coffee?

For example, my mother-in-law, whom I love dearly, takes fantastic pictures of things like flowers and trees and birds and the like. But she insists that her art is Christian and names each one of them after a Bible verse. She can’t simply let nature speak for itself. She wants to make her faith a central part of sycamore trees.

She was terribly disappointed when we told her the music festival we were going to last summer wasn’t a Christian music festival. (Now, I must state for the record that we do have a history of attending the most awesome Christian music festival on the planet in Bushnell, IL. And it is Christian because they only invite bands who profess a faith in Jesus and have songs based on their faith, life experiences and the Bible. This is a particularly cool thing because most of the bands there don’t get air time on your average Hallelujah radio stations (WDLM etc) We’ve seen some really great bands there including Robert Randolph and the Family Band, Sixpence None the Richer and P.O.D….(Longest. Parenthetical. Statement. Ever.)) But we don’t want to limit ourselves to only Christian music. Other bands make good music too.

I don’t want to live in a Christian bubble, because Jesus lived His life with people outside of His beliefs. Jesus brought them good news. How can we bring other people that good news if we only wear, listen to, look at and vote for Christian things? We would have no grid for anything “worldly” and would be ineffective at communicating God’s love to those who need it.

I’m not afraid that I’m going to get dirty or unsaved because I hear an expletive (or even if I say one myself). I am afraid, however, that putting a little fish on my car may give Jesus some bad P.R., especially if I cut someone off on 6th street. Wearing cheesy Tshirts doesn’t help our culture “get it”; it makes them not want to have anything to do with it.

I’ve heard a lot of Christians claim to be persecuted for their faith. Then they tell their story and I want to say “Um, you weren’t being persecuted for your faith, you were being persecuted for being a dumb ass.” But I don’t say that, exactly.

I’m shocked by the numbers of people my age who think they know what Christianity is, but the comments they make about it are entirely to the contrary. That’s what produced a previous blog (which, by the way, netted no feedback at all??). However, maybe I shouldn’t be shocked since people think if they learn more they may have to wear T-shirts like this:

Idolotry of Patriotism – 1/09/07

So, today, I got the following email and usually, I blow this stuff off, but not today.  Today, I’ve had enough.

A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!! It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.

Recently, large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the U.S. might protect its own  borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let’s say I break into your house. Let’s say that when you discover me  in your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, “I’ve made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors; I’ve done all the things you don’t like to do. I’m hard-working and honest (except for  when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add  me to your family’s insurance plan, educate my kids, and provide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work) because he too is hard-working and honest, except for that breaking in part). If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be
there.

It’s only fair, after all, because you havea nicer house than I do, and I’m just trying to better myself. I’m hard-working and honest, um, except for well, you know.

And what a deal it is for me!!  I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me!

Why can’t people see how ridiculous this is?  Only in America….

If you agree, pass it on (in English). Share
it if you see the value of it as a good simile. If not, blow it off,along with your future Social Security funds.

So, this was my response:

I usually don’t reply to these emails, but honestly, where is your compassion for humanity?    This story shouts “Me! Me! Me!”  Why do we feel like we can disregard the teaching of Jesus under the guise of patriotism?

Jesus said give to all who ask of you and if a man forces you to go one mile, walk with him two.  Not only that, but if he sues you for your shirt, hand over your coat as well.  (Matt 5:40ff)

Jesus wasn’t into protecting a lifestyle (or speaking only one language; He spoke at least two).  He broke the cultural barriers that kept the Samaritans poor and struggling.  He came to give life to people, not just Heaven in the future, but a full abundant beautiful life here and now.

Jesus ate with “sinners” (people who by the way, weren’t “perfectly honest”) and associated more with them than with the finger pointing Pharisees.

If you want people to stay in Mexico, get involved with a project or mission to improve their country.  Have compassion on  the poor.

 Lay down your flag and take up your cross.

Do As I Say, Do As I Do – 3/13/07

So the other day I realized how much easier my life would be if I just took my own advice…

Common phrases I repeatedly use with my children that I need to apply to my own life and relationships:

“Use your words.”
I often tell my kids this when they are so upset they throw a fit or throw things in frustration. I can’t help them if I don’t know what they need help with. They have to explain exactly what the problem is if they expect me to fix it. Getting upset and expecting someone else to “figure it out” is unrealistic.

“Jesus said ‘Be nice to others. Even when they’re not nice to you.’”
We’re all human and as humans, we make bad choices. I’ve been done wrong, I’ve done wrong. You’ve been done wrong, you’ve done wrong. Its when we let go of the ‘right’ to get revenge that we are set free to restore a broken relationship. Loving people hurts, but in most cases, its worth it. Besides, nothing is better than seeing the bewildered look on a would-be enemy’s face when you’re nice to them.

“People are more important than things.”
If Billy wants the ball, let him play with the ball. Its your ball. You’ll get it back. If the ball meets its demise, big deal. Its just a thing. Don’t make Billy feel bad for ruining your ball. You can buy another ball. Billy is one of a kind. Things are temporal. People are eternal. Act like it.

I just need to keep the Main Thing the main thing. Life works better that way.

Today’s Forwards – 11/28/07

I received two forwards in my “inbox” today. Both were from people I love dearly. Both were completely different and both got a response from me.

FWD: 1

Twas the month before Christmas
When all through our land,
Not a Christian was praying
Nor taking a stand.
Why the Politically Correct Police had taken away,
The reason for Christmas – no one could say.
The children were told by their schools not to sing,
About Shepherds and Wise Men and Angels and things.
It might hurt people’s feelings, the teachers would say
December 25th is just a “Holiday”.
Yet the shoppers were ready with cash, checks and credit
Pushing folks down to the floor just to get it!
CDs from Madonna, an X BOX, an I-pod
Something was changing, something quite odd!
Retailers promoted Ramadan and Kwanzaa
In hopes to sell books by Franken & Fonda.
As Targets were hanging their trees upside down
At Lowe’s the word Christmas – was no where to be found.
At K-Mart and Staples and Penny’s and Sears
You won’t hear the word Christmas; it won’t touch your ears.
Inclusive, sensitive, Di-ver-si-ty
Are words that were used to intimidate me.
Now Daschle, Now Darden, Now Sharpton, Wolf Blitzen
On Boxer, on Rather, on Kerry, on Clinton!
At the top of the Senate, there arose such a clatter
To eliminate Jesus, in all public matter.
And we spoke not a word, as they took away our faith
Forbidden to speak of salvation and grace.
The true Gift of Christmas was exchanged and discarded
The reason for the season, stopped before it started.
So as you celebrate “Winter Break” under your “Dream Tree”
Sipping your Starbucks, listen to me.
Choose your words carefully, choose what you say
Shout MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holiday!

Response to FWD: 1 (please note, this is not my entire response, I first started out by telling this person how much they meant to me and that I was ranting about the poem and not the person who sent it to me)

There are a lot of presumptions (incorrect ones at that) in this poem and most of it is just silly. Especially this part “as they took away our faith” Are you kidding me? Does the author of this have any idea what early Christians went through? We’re not even being persecuted, let alone executed like they were. We live in a secular society. Many people aren’t believers and its ridiculous to ask them to act as though they are. I especially can’t stand the political aspects of this poem. Jesus wasn’t a Republican and lots of Christians are Democrats. And don’t get my started on “Christmas” trees which were originally worshiped by some pagan outfit somewhere. Anyway, I’m just tired of middle class, white, self righteous people who think their brand of Christianity is what is right for everyone and its okay to be rude and obnoxious to anyone who doesn’t agree with them. Where is the love in that? The only way to win people is to be a light and to be hope and to share your faith out of your relationship with people and your relationship with Jesus. I’ve never met anyone that was won over to the Way with a ballot, or a picket, or an internet forward about offended Christians. Jesus said we aren’t to be offended. Isn’t part of dying to yourself giving up your right to be offended? The only people Jesus railed on were “believers” and religious leaders and mostly because they had wrapped themselves up in their wrong ideas and had no compassion for the lost.Didn’t mean for this to be so long, I just think this poem embodies everything that is wrong with the right wing Christian movement of today. I know I’m especially sensitive to this because I live in a liberal college town and talk to people who hold up these things as examples of why they would never consider coming to church.

Whew!! Are you still with me? Cause if you are, here’s your reward:

FWD:2

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice I heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed ‘The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and never finished.’ So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off 23 Bud Lights, a bottle of Absolute, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel

Response to FWD: 2

Funniest forward EVER!!

Love Advice from an Expert* 4/1/07

Only three more days until we go on our 10 year anniversary trip and I am SO excited!! My mom will be taking care of the kids here and so far I’ve cleaned our house, grocery shopped, worked on all the laundry and even typed up a Grandma Edition of our Childcare Handbook that we have for our sitter.

All I have left is to finish laundry, go buy a few things to wear on the trip and go back over all the cleaning again to freshen up the house. Then it will be time to PACK!!

SO, in celebration of 10 years of making it work, I’ve learned a few things that I’d like to share:

When you’re married and you want to stay that way:

1. Always fight fair.
a. Never use the words “you always” or “you never”. Its rarely accurate that someone always or never does something. They can always think of an exception and you won’t win an arguement this way.
b. Don’t talk about eachothers mom/dad/sister/brother etc. ’s flaws when your having a disagreement. Not only will you say something you regret, it doesn’t help your arguement progress to a resolution. 2. Don’t tell your mom/dad/sister/brother/etc. about your disagreements. They are not unbiased. They will take your side, even when you’re wrong. You and your spouse may quickly get over your arguement, but your family doesn’t forget as easily. 3. Communicate your needs to your spouse. Tell him/her how you feel about something and when you need something. He/she can’t read your mind. 4. When your spouse asks you to do something, or points out that they would like you change something, consider it and then give it a try. If it bothered them enough to bring it up, it’s important to them.

5. Read about “Love Languages“. Gary Chapman has written that there are five basic ways people recieve love. You need to know what your spouses love language is in order for them to feel love. For example, my love language is touch and Travis’s is acts of service. So before we discovered this, he was always doing dishes, laundry, or whatever to make me feel loved, but I wasn’t feeling loved cause I just wanted to be hugged and cuddled and kissed. I always tried to express love to him with touches and he wasn’t feeling loved because I rarely did anything for him. Once we got our love languages figured out, he started being more affectionate and I found things to do for him. The emotional aspect of our marriage improved greatly.

5. Last but not least, lower your expectations. As crazy as it sounds, when your expectations are low, you’re rarely disappointed. Now, I have the best husband in the world, but sometimes, I start demanding perfection from him and it is at those times I’m miserable. I have to remember that he’s human. He can only do so much. Nobody’s perfect and there are things that I can just let go.

When you’re not married and you want to get that way: 

1. Make a list. List everything you want in a mate. This list will clear things up for you in a hurry. Be willing to do two things: Live up to the list yourself (you can’t have “super sexy bod” on the list if you look like Jared’s “before” photos) Only date people who fit your criteria. That will save you time and heartache.

2. Take the emotion out of it. As unromantic as it may sound, its a good idea to evaluate a person before you become to emotionally attached. (this is the purpose of the list!!)

3. Choose carefully. If you really want a marriage to work, you have to ask yourself if this person is someone you can be with for the rest of you life. Ask yourself if this person will be a good parent to your children. Remember their history will probably repeat itself. If a person is not good to you before you marry them, they won’t magically get better after taking wedding vows.

4. Put your heart into it. Once you’ve evaluated and found someone, give it all you got. Stay faithful, talk about the future, be excited, and most of all, fall in love.

VD – It’s Not Just For Lovers Anymore – 2/11/08

So,yeah, Valentine’s Day is coming and I seriously don’t want to hear one more whiney person talk about “Singles Awareness Day” (ever notice that the acronym is “SAD”?”) Cause I’ve got something to say to you “single” folks out there. And that’s this: Get over it.

I know way too many single gals and fellas that stay single because they are so focused on it. They complain about being single. They rage against Valentine’s Day. Being single becomes their identity. This self pity perpetuates a vicious circle. You’re single, so you’re focused on you, which makes you unappealing, which makes you stay single.

Whatever you do this Thursday, don’t sit at home and have movie night with your single friends talking about how much “Love stinks”. Words are very powerful. Attitudes are too. Don’t keep affirming these mantras, cause they suck the love right out of you.

You see, Valentine’s Day is about LOVE, SO, LOVE somebody. Call your Grandma, babysit for your not-single friends. Buy your nieces and nephews some of those awful pink and red stuffed animals and more chocolate than they can eat in a week. Volunteer at a shelter, or soup kitchen, or political campaign. Do something for someone at church. Get out there and focus on others. When you’re focused on others, you become less self serving and way more attractive.

Take my advice and by this time next year, you’ll be beating off suitors with a stick.

Patriotism for This Generation

Conservative radio talk show hosts have been blasting Michelle Obama for not being “proud enough” of her country, but I’d like to propose that she’s probably more proud than most of us who are carrying her husband to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

The generation that embodies the current movement in this country to elect an African American inspirationalist to the White House has mediocre patriotism for a reason. We never had to put our families into boats to cross the Atlantic for religious freedom. We never shot at Red Coats, or fought with Natives. We never had to blaze trails across a vast and unknown land or fight in a civil war. We never suffered from a the starvation of the Dust Bowl, or from the Great Depression. We weren’t saddled with the responsibility of freeing thousands from the repression of Adolph Hitler. We didn’t experience John F. Kennedy, the Cuban Missile Crisis or race the Russians to the Moon. We’ve never greived the loss of a sitting president.

No, we were raised in a time when Americans were individuals. Pride in our country was passed on to us like an heirloom that we cherished, but never really possessed as our own. Americans of our generation never had to band together to defeat anything or overcome any adversity. The generation before us told us the horrors of war, particularly the war that was lost during their early years. We never understood the need for war. Even in both Iraq wars, the country was never consumed by it. We didn’t send all of our men to fight and leave our women to build the artillery. No, even during those wars we just went on with our daily lives, worked in our offices, drank our cocktails and watched reality television.

But now, here we are, at a crossroads with real prospects, because you see, that reality television did give us something. It gave us the knowledge that we have to power to change someone’s fate. Whether it’s voting someone off of American Idol or electing the man of our choice to the White House, we now understand the power of making a choice. And for the first time in our generation, we are not just individuals who can do very little, we are a united people who can again bring out the greatness of our country. Finally, we are proud Americans.